As a psychiatrist specializing in ADHD—and someone who personally navigates the complexities of this condition—I’ve come to realize a troubling trend among many adults with ADHD: the relentless need to apologize for who we are. Whether it is for being late, forgetting a meeting, or not following through on a task, the pattern is often the same—an apology, and then another. But why? Why do we, as adults with ADHD, feel compelled to apologize for the way our brains are wired?
The Burden of Constant Apologies
Let us start by acknowledging that ADHD is not a character flaw. It is not a lack of willpower, nor is it a sign of laziness or carelessness. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how we focus, organize, and manage our lives. And yet, the world we live in often does not accommodate the unique ways our brains operate. Instead, it expects us to fit into a mold that was never designed for us in the first place.
Because of this, many adults with ADHD carry an overwhelming sense of guilt. We apologize for missing deadlines, for needing reminders, and for being disorganized. We apologize for not living up to the expectations that society—and often we—have set. This constant need to apologize takes a toll on our self-esteem, making us feel like we are always falling short.
Reclaiming Our Narrative
Here is the truth: ADHD is part of who we are, and it is time we stop apologizing for it. Instead of constantly trying to fit into a neurotypical mold, we should focus on embracing our unique strengths and finding ways to thrive on our own terms.
I remember one day in my practice when I had to apologize for forgetting to follow up with a patient on an important issue. The guilt I felt was overwhelming, but then I realized—this was not about a lack of care; it was about my brain processing things differently. That experience was a turning point for me. It made me reflect on how often we, as adults with ADHD, feel compelled to say “sorry” for things that are simply part of our neurodivergence.
ADHD comes with challenges, but it also comes with incredible strengths—creativity, spontaneity, hyperfocus, and the ability to think outside the box. These are qualities that should be celebrated, not apologized for. The world needs different kinds of minds, and our ADHD brains bring something special to the table.
Shifting the Focus from Apology to Empowerment
So how do we shift from a mindset of apology to one of empowerment? It starts with changing the narrative we tell ourselves.
1. Acknowledge Your Strengths: Recognize the qualities that ADHD brings to your life. Are you a creative problem-solver? Do you excel in fast-paced environments? Celebrate these strengths and focus on how they contribute to your success.
2. Set Boundaries: It is okay to ask for accommodations that help you work more effectively. Whether it is setting up reminders, using organizational tools, or requesting flexible deadlines, do not be afraid to advocate for what you need.
3. Educate Others: Help others understand that ADHD is not a flaw but a different way of processing information. By educating those around us—whether it is friends, family, or colleagues—we can reduce misunderstandings and create more supportive environments.
4. Embrace Self-Compassion: We all make mistakes, ADHD or not. When you slip up, instead of immediately apologizing and beating yourself up, practice self-compassion. Acknowledge the mistake, learn from it, and move on.
As Dr. Ned Hallowell, a leading expert on ADHD, once said, “ADHD is not a deficit of attention, but rather an abundance of attention, dispersed in multiple directions.” It is time we stop seeing this abundance as something to apologize for and start celebrating it.
Breaking the Apology Cycle
Breaking the cycle of constant apologies will not happen overnight, but it is a crucial step toward self-acceptance. By embracing who we are, ADHD and all, we can start to live more authentically and confidently. Remember, you are more than your ADHD. You are a whole person with strengths, talents, and contributions that are uniquely yours.
So, I challenge you: embrace your ADHD, recognize your strengths, and stop apologizing for who you are. Share your story, educate those around you, and start shifting the narrative—because it starts with us.
Comments